THE VAMPIRES’ SONGENTIRE CAST WITH SOLOSPRIAPUSI am Priapus, a deityFrom back in the day,A vampire icon,A god, if you may.I was aroundBefore Pliny the Younger,And thousands of yearsHaven’t sated my hunger.VAMPIRESHe was sucking necksWhen men wore pelts.He was draining veinsWhile the Ice Age melts.He was drinking bloodWhen spears were stone.He was hunting humansWho called caves home.He’s the legend,The fable,The undead king.Our master,Our leader,Our everything.PRIAPUSAnd here I amIn modern times,With a stable of beautiesI call mine.PENELOPEI’m Penelope the Witch,Who hails from Devon.Burned at the stake,Which is nothing pleasant.Just an English girlWho likes to boilFilthy peasants in bubbling oil.They discovered my habitAnd lit the fire,But Priapus arrivedBefore I expired.He made me hisAnd cut me down.Then he and IWent on the town.We drank our fillIn blood outrages.’Twas us that putThe “dark” in ages.I don’t know magic,I don’t know spells.I just drain you dryOn a trip to hell!(Spoken.)Oh, I do love crispy farmers...(She moves as if to take a bite out of PHIL’S arm. He pulls it out of her grasp.)KOKII am Koki!Atilla called me Hun.As a killing machine,I’m second to none.I loved the lifeOf ride and pillage.Attila’d give meAll the men in a village.I thought killing wasThe best thing goin’.Only killing gotMy juices flowin’.Thanks to Priapus,I acquired a taste.Not a dropEver goes to waste.Precious red nectarGives me thrills,More than allMy previous kills.I’m addicted to my antidote.I need bloodPouring down my throat.I was Atilla’sOne-woman horde.I killed with spearAnd bow and sword.But now I killWith razor fangsTo satisfy my hunger pangs.Priapus made meOne of us.I kill with passion,I kill with lust.(Spoken to PHIL.)Come here... let me whisper in your ear.(She gnashes her teeth. PHIL recoils.)YVETTEI’m Mam’selle Yvette,And I come from France.I’ll empty your veinsIf I get the chance.Handmaiden to Marie Antoinette,The Revolution cameAnd I had to get...I was hidingUnder the guillotine,Soaked in red,What a scene!Priapus arrivedFor a royal snack.Found me, bit me,I never looked back.Shoulder to shoulderThere we stayed.Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!Went the neck-slice blade.Royal rivers pouredMy thirst to slake.Priapus said,PRIAPUSLet them eat cake!YVETTETwo bloated sacks,The blade never ceased.It was the bloodiestRoyal feast!(Spoken to PHIL flirtatiously.)Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?PHILWhat? Yes! No! Go away.CASTHe was sucking necksWhen men wore pelts.He was draining veinsWhile the Ice Age melts.He was drinking bloodWhen spears were stone.He was hunting humansWho called caves home.He’s the legend,The fable,The undead king.Our master,Our leader,Our everything.HERONI am Heron!Why Alexander was greatIn ancient Greece,Where no man was straight.I’m a military geniusWho knows no peer.I’ve massacred citiesWithout shedding a tear.Then AlexanderDied in Babylon.My heart shattered,I couldn’t go on.Priapus found meMourning to death.That’s when he kissed meOn my neck.The greatest giftI’ve ever been given,A wonderful reasonTo keep on livin’.I’ll go through timeSucking men dryAnd pretending Alexander’sStill alive.As long as this bodyContinues to breathe,I’ll keep dreamingHe’ll come back to me.And now I huntLike only I can,As a warrior general,Conqueror of man.(HERON acts as if he will swoop on PHIL. PHIL starts to hide in the barrel. PRIAPUS stops him.)AMELIAI’m Amelia, a slaveFrom old Pompei.Vesuvius erupted,I couldn’t stay.Ash was falling,I started to choke.I couldn’t breatheThrough all the smoke.Columns fell,The earth was shakin’.Here comes the lava.It was time for bakin’.When I see a god,He looks like Jupiter.I’m frozen in place,I couldn’t look stupider.Desperate to live,I didn’t care.As he ran past,I grabbed his hair.I tackled PriapusWhile escaping the flow.We were gonna’ get covered,But I wouldn’t let go.He had to be fast,He had to make haste.He bit me beforeWe were baked and encased.A horrible sceneWith the people all flee’in.Our cement impressionsAre in the museum.I’m a blood slave now.I’ll never be free.I hunt by nightTo sate my need.(AMELIA chases PHIL around the room. PRIAPUS catches him and sits him on the barrel.)JINXMy name is Jinx,And I was a flapper.I fell for a cad,Both handsome and dapper.He stole my first kiss,And then he stole more.He twisted my loveAnd made me his whore.I was no longer me,Just a shadow in the dark.A morsel for his appetite,A minnow for his shark.I miss the innocenceI once knew.I walked up ten flights,Give or take a few.It made no difference.I’d never walk down.Saw the stars in the sky,The lights of the town.He owned my heart,My soul, my pride.There was nothing leftOf me inside.He broke my spirit,I wanted to die.I jumped off the edge,’Cause I couldn’t fly.Priapus caught meBefore the red mist.His bite more tenderThan the man I kissed.Each night I kill again and again.I kill love.I kill love.I kill love.I kill men.CASTHe was sucking necksWhen men wore pelts.He was draining veinsWhile the Ice Age melts.He was drinking bloodWhen spears were stone.He was draining humansWho called caves home.He’s the legend,The fable,The undead king.Our master,Our leader,Our everything.